Kimberly Crispeno Kimberly Crispeno

Connecting When We’ve Spent Most of Life Disconnected

At Aftermath, we’ve been looking at connection as a theme this month. Research shows that disconnection leads to the obvious effects of loneliness and isolation, but also to significant physical and mental health issues, dysregulation, increased chronic pain, relational distress, memory issues, to name just a few. There is compelling evidence that being lonely or disconnected significantly increases our risk factors for nearly every major cause of death. Being socially isolated is as much of a risk factor for early mortality as obesity and smoking.

Disconnection, from ourselves, from others, can have profound effects on our well-being and the quality of our lives.

I have spent most of my life disconnected.

There is buzz about the musical Wicked since the release of Part 1 of the movie. Last Friday night I saw the Broadway show at the Paramount theatre in Seattle for the second time. Our family purchased single tickets and were scattered throughout the theatre so we could have better seats. Thus, I sat alone and had to attend to my own impressions and thoughts.

What was most disconcerting for me is how little I remembered from my first go-around. I know I have seen the production before. My daughter remembers going with me. It must have been in Seattle. But other than that? It is shocking how little I remembered (aside from songs).

At Aftermath, we’ve been looking at connection as a theme this month.

Research shows that disconnection leads to the obvious effects of loneliness and isolation, but also to significant physical and mental health issues, dysregulation, increased chronic pain, relational distress, memory issues, to name just a few.

There is compelling evidence that being lonely or disconnected significantly increases our risk factors for nearly every major cause of death (1). Being socially isolated is as much of a risk factor for early mortality as obesity and smoking (2).

Disconnection, from ourselves, from others, can have profound effects on our well-being and the quality of our lives.

I have spent most of my life disconnected.

I learned very young to leave my body and my mind—to disassociate and go to what I can only describe as a blank place. I learned to ignore my body and its wisdom, to turn away from my thoughts and feelings. I learned to put myself aside. When I realized a few years ago how very practiced I was at the art of disassociation, my daughter said to me, “I am so curious as to where you go. Where is it?” I think she thought I stepped through my own wardrobe into my own version of Narnia (a fantasy world made up by British writer C. S. Lewis). I wish that were the case. I wish I went somewhere imaginative or interesting. But I go…nowhere. There is nothing there. I am not aware of being present in my body. There is nothing in my mind. It is almost as if I cease to exist.

Even if I am not in a fully disassociated state, I am practiced in the art of numbing and escaping reality, which is kin to dissociation. Another way of saying it is that I am practiced in the art of disconnection. My favorite disconnection techniques, in no particular order, are: mindless eating, scrolling on social media, letting a streaming service load and play the next show, losing myself in a fluff book, or keeping myself busy doing the things I do to avoid the things that would really be lifegiving or connecting for me (which are writing, art, or anything creative).

As I have noticed my own and others patterns of disconnection and what follows in their wake,

I have come to believe that if we are disconnected from ourselves, it is hard to connect well to others, the natural world, or anything, really. 

And there is a lot in our world that would keep us disconnected and distracted, not really connecting well to ourselves, others, the natural world, etc. First, any experiences that were too much for us at the time we had them, as well as the lack of attunement we have experienced in various relationships in our lives always sets us up for patterns of disconnection. Add to all that the messages in our culture around our bodies which primarily teach us to ignore its signals and wisdom; messages from religious traditions that often teach us to ignore our questions or our guts; and cultural and familial expectations for what we should be, do, accomplish often cause us to ignore who we are at our core and what we really need and want. The list goes on.

In this world of 24/7 tech and stimulus, it’s hard to be connected to anything other than our devices. It is so hard to be connected to ourselves—what we are really feeling, sensing, thinking or to what our authentic needs and desires are. It is hard for us to stay in reality and engage with our own experience, let alone anyone else’s.

But we need to learn to connect well to ourselves before we can connect well outside of ourselves. Based on my own experience, that of my clients, and from what I observe in the world, most of us struggle to connect well for our own cocktail of reasons. So, how do we begin to connect to ourselves and others? There are lots of paths whereby we can deepen our connection to ourselves.

Here’s a few of the paths that have helped me connect more to myself and to others in authentic ways: 

  1. My own therapy. It should come as no surprise I am a fan of therapy. It has given me many priceless gifts, top tier among them—it has helped me learn how to connect to myself, my experience, others, the natural world by first helping me see where and why I disconnect.

  2. Through books. When we read people that are connected and point out fresh ways of seeing and understanding, they can help us connect and make connections to see and be more clearly ourselves and others.

  3. Through slowing down and being intentional about noticing and being aware of what is around me and what I am picking up on. Call it mindfulness. Call it whatever you want. For example, it is a relatively new thing for me to pause in the middle of a meal and check-in with myself about my satiety levels. Am I full? Am I tasting my food? Do I want another bite? Do I want to pause for a bit and check-in again in a few minutes? 

  4. Being around connected people or people that are working on being more connected. When we are around people trying to live fully and well, they inspire us in the direction of connection.

  5. Doing unfamiliar things/changing things up. Think about when you travel. Often, we notice more and are more present when we are traveling because we have to pay attention. Things are unfamiliar. What can we do a bit differently in our daily lives that might help us connect to the moment and ourselves better?

There is one question/practice that has helped me more than any other with connection. I am teaching myself to do this multiple times a day. I pause, take a breath, and ask myself,

“What am I aware of right now?”

I try to engage all of my senses in this exercise: listing for myself what I see, hear, smell, how something feels to the touch, how something tastes (if food/beverage is involved. I try to notice what I am feeling—am I feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin? Why? Am I feeling angry or sad or anxious or depressed? Again, why might that be? What thoughts are coming to me? What memory just surfaced? As I become aware, notice, it always connects me to the present moment and to myself. If I am with others, it connects me with them. Ellen Langer, in her book On Becoming an Artist, shares study after study done with both humans and animals about the effects of mindfulness on connection. Not surprisingly, when we are more mindful in situations, not only do we feel more authentic and connected, but others do to us as well.

I used to shame myself for my disconnection, disassociation, numbing and escapism tactics. Now, I see them as information and gateways into reducing the disconnection and increasing my ability to connect. 

Today, try to pause one time and check-in with yourself by asking, “What am I aware of right now?” As I do that in this moment, I am aware of the dog by my feet, the fire at my back, and my desire to wrap this up and get myself a cup of tea and just sit for a space without doing anything.

So that is what I am going to do.




References

  1. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T., Bradley Layton, J. 2010. “Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review.” PLOS Medicine 7: e1316, https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316. Syme, L. 1985. Social support and health. Academic Press. Hartog, J., Audy, J., and Cohen, Y., eds., 1980. The anatomy of loneliness. International Universities Press.

  2. House, J., Landis, K., and Umberson, D. 1988. “Social relationships and health.” Science 241, 540-45.

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