Trisha Wilkerson Trisha Wilkerson

Help

“All my by self” -one of my kids used to say to me, pushing my hands aside when I would try to help her put her toddler shoes on. As I recall these scenes with my kids, or, “demands for proving independence,” it has provided insight to my own refrain: “I would rather do it by myself and not need help.” While independence is healthy and preferred in many circumstances–we often confuse and resist seeing our appropriate needs or asking for help. 

Thoughts on giving & receiving help

“All my by self” -one of my kids used to say to me, pushing my hands aside when I would try to help her put her toddler shoes on. As I recall these scenes with my kids, or, “demands for proving independence,” it has provided insight to my own refrain: “I would rather do it by myself and not need help.” While independence is healthy and preferred in many circumstances–we often confuse and resist seeing our appropriate needs or asking for help. 

Several situations and harder seasons in my life have required me to ask for and or receive the gift of help. Kind and compassionate people near me have witnessed my needs and responded by helping. I have learned over time to admit my need sooner and respond with the willingness to ask for and/or receive help.

It is difficult to do this. 

I have needed to notice and let go of my strong desire to be self-sufficient and independent. I don’t love depending on others. It feels vulnerable and I get anxious thinking I will be judged for my need for help, even though I don’t feel judgmental when I help. 

However, in receiving help many times, I see more of the expansive beauty of this relational and practical gift. There is power in the giving, and even more in receiving help.

Photo by Tatiana Syrikova: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-in-brown-jacket-helping-his-child-go-up-the-stairs-3933922/

I have been given money, meals, talk time, a shoulder to cry on, babysitting help, a house to live in for 3 months, a car to borrow, and countless loans. I have been given the gifts of massage, therapy, gift cards, advice, advocacy, help with resources like referrals to other vetted helpers, books, articles, and information that gives me more wisdom to handle a difficult situation. Even now, I am being helped tremendously in an ongoing, uncertain, very difficult situation.

Receiving this generosity reminds me constantly of my need and the reality of need. For myself, I see it now as love stepping into impossible situations and relieving the pressure (a lot or a little). It has become a practice of sorts to notice my preference toward self-sufficiency, and instead interpret the help- not as proof of my failure or inadequacy- but as a gift of  friendship.

To see it as a stream of light into the gloomy darkness. 

To interpret help as love. 

To allow it to seep into the places of grief and sorrow, disappointment and even cynicism.

“It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

Well, not always. I see both as precious opportunities to share and accept love. 

When I am being the helper, I enjoy getting in the needy spaces with people to offer my heart and abilities. And being the helper doesn’t feel vulnerable or stir the familiar social, emotional, relational anxiety. I am better at giving. Helping feels stronger, more capable. 

Yet, for me, personally–the receiving is the harder challenge and the bigger gift–that reaches to deeper places of loss. Receiving scratches at the raw places of abandonment and rejection. And if I can lean in and allow it–receiving help heals those wounds–allowing me to trust people to love me beautifully and faithfully. 

If I hadn’t learned how to receive–I would’ve missed out on a huge aspect of community and the experience of being human. Receiving help has changed me profoundly, teaching me that my need is good, not wrong, weak, or bad.

Who are your people?

If you need help, who sees you–who can respond to your need? The biggest tragedy of all is a human who is suffering and needing help without anyone knowing. Someone hurting and needing and no one there to help. 

No people, no help.

Herein lies the profound, transformative power of community. When we are connected to others, we are living alongside people–seeing and being seen. Rather than going it alone-we help them. They help us. If I wasn’t connected to many people in my community, I wouldn’t have experienced all the help I have.

We are humans and we need each other. We need connection, community. 

Connection with others facilitates and allows love to heal those raw and vulnerable places–to give and receive practical and personal help. Giving and receiving help is love in action. 

I need people. I need help. I am ok with admitting that now after years of resistance and even more years of receiving. 

Here’s some tips on Helping and Receiving Help:

When you help:

  • Practice not expecting anything in return

  • Find out what is helpful and share what you can

  • Ease burdens, don’t add

  • Make sure whatever you are offering is OK

  • Don’t make it about you, offer help without the need for attention or praise

  • In the process, notice the good feelings and allow them

When you receive, remember:

  • Needing help is an expression of our humanity

  • Asking for help is an exercise in honesty and humility

  • Receiving help allows us to experience the service of others which can enrich the quality of our relationships

  • Practicing admitting, asking, and receiving help–to experience the goodness of others

  • Resist the urge to reciprocate

  • Express gratitude without feeling guilt

  • Notice the feelings of receiving, what is felt?

by Trisha Wilkerson

Co-Founder

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